Guys, You Can Make Marriage Romantic

turn your wife into a mistressHow to Make Your Wife Your Mistress

Is your marriage dull and boring? Guys, is the wife a drag in the bedroom? Want to put more zing into your relationship? Ms. Lois Bird has the answer: Treat her like she was your mistress.

The author has more than 100 ways to make your wife think you are seduction on a stick. Highlights include:

  • Clean the garage
  • Sharpen her kitchen knives
  • Lay carpet in the master bathroom
  • Cover a wall or ceiling with mirrored tiles
  • Getting an unlisted phone number

The list goes on with even more ideas. Unfortunately, the author did not state any references so perhaps this is just speculation. Ladies, you be the judge. Men, you have your marching orders. So, good luck with that.


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  1. I’m sure “date night” is here somewhere with the other useless suggestions for worn-out relationships.

  2. “Float a pansy in the master bathroom stool. Wait for her to find it.” As a parent and as a dog owner, this stopped me short with the word ‘stool.’

  3. p. 172 “marriage and the Presidency of the United States don’t call for many qualifications.” Snort.

  4. I know I’ll die single, but not a lot of these make sense.

    101 Ways to Pleasure a Mistress:

    #47 – Buy a two-cup coffee pot (for the bedroom). [Because who needs sleep, not you or your wife/mistress]
    #59 – Replace her lingerie. Anything which isn’t sexy, turn into cleaning rags.
    #63 – Lay Carpet in the master bathroom. [You know, where it’s wet]
    #70 – Fill her cigarette lighter.
    #72. Repair something around the house which she has not requested. [Nothing more romantic than small appliance repair]
    #76 – Have her jewelry cleaned.
    #82 – Float a pansy in the master bathroom stool (???). Wait for her to find it.

    1. re #47: Look up “Teasmade” sometime. Having a hot cup of your drink of choice in bed helps ease the transition from Fort Blankets to the cruel outside world.

    1. Yes, my grandmother’s was the first I ever saw. But I have one now, too, because the actual flooring is horrible green-blue not-ceramic tiles discolored by age. And it’s cold. If I found a lamp with a genie in it, maybe I would wish for something else, but I don’t know what.

  5. Apologies to Ayelet Waldman, I couldn’t find the exact quote. She said something to the effect of: “There’s nothing that a woman with children finds more sexy than a man pushing a Swiffer”.

    As an aside, I was mildly disgruntled by the p. 30 story of the flannel nightgown. He gave her a flannel nightgown. 🙁 But it doesn’t matter because she’s a dog.

    What creates the mentality that marriage is, almost by definition, akin to torture? Was it some weird 70’s thing?

    1. As I recall, this was a common view for years before this book came out. Nagging wives, domineering husbands, domestic violence was all just part of the course. Easier divorce laws and better prospects for women outside marriage have changed attitudes, I think.

  6. #57 caught my eye. “Take her to a play or an opera.” My husband, of 38 years, and I have an agreement — for every opera he goes to, I have to go to a blue-grass concert. I haven’t had to go to a blue-grass concert in years!

    Actually, while some of these items pretty outrageous, some are excellent suggestions.

  7. Lois also wrote “How To Make Your Husband Your Lover” and, co-authored by Joseph Bird, “The Freedom of Sexual Love.”

  8. Im surprised nobody pointed this one out..p.49 the author writes about a quote she finds..”Seduction is for sissies,a he-man likes his rape”. Ok, its good for a laugh,the author continues on to say. Ummm, no….its def not good for a laugh,IMHO.

    1. True. But at least she goes on to say that only a “sickie” would take it seriously.

      As others have said, an odd mix of silly and insightful.

  9. I would say an odd mix of insightful and truly cringe-y (10, 25, 41, 82 …). Your mileage may vary.

  10. Some of the suggestions are quite good, actually. And some of them are “fill her cigarette lighter.”

  11. Two hours a night to share hopes and dreams. Yeah, I can’t see many guys wanting to try this. Especially if one or both of them work.

  12. Well this isn’t bad: “Give her a…vibrator.” (I don’t know what was meant by “hand vibrator,” so let’s just skip that.)

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